When people hear the words abusive relationship, they often think of physical violence, hitting, shouting, or threats. Abuse is not always loud or visible. At times, it is subtle, insidious, and woven into the everyday dynamics of your relationship.
It is not always easy to spot, especially when the person causing harm appears warm, charming, and well-liked by others. In public, they might be attentive, funny, and generous, which can leave you doubting your own experiences behind closed doors. That contrast can make you question yourself even more.
If you have been living in an unhealthy dynamic, you may overlook the ways you have adapted to survive. These changes in you can be some of the most evident signs that something is not right.
Here are some common signs you might notice in yourself if you are in an abusive or narcissistic relationship:
1. You are constantly monitoring yourself
You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you said something wrong. You think about your tone, body language, and even facial expressions, trying to make sure nothing triggers their anger or withdrawal.
2. You apologise… a lot
Even when you have done nothing wrong, “I am sorry” slips out of your mouth before you have even thought about it. It becomes a reflex, a way to smooth over tension or avoid conflict.
3. You second-guess your own reality
You find yourself questioning your memory, your feelings, and your perception of events. You wonder if you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting” because they have told you so many times.
4. You feel guilty for having needs
Asking for help, support, or even expressing your feelings leaves you feeling selfish or demanding. You have learned it is easier to stay quiet than risk being made to feel like a burden.
5. You are walking on eggshells
Every day feels like a delicate balancing act - reading their mood, avoiding topics that might upset them, and doing whatever it takes to keep the peace.
6. You have lost touch with yourself
You do not laugh as much as you used to. The hobbies, friendships, or passions that once brought you joy have faded away. You are not sure who you are anymore outside of the relationship.
These behaviours are not random. They are survival strategies your nervous system has developed to keep you safe in an unsafe environment. Over time, they can erode your confidence, your sense of self, and your mental health.
You deserve relationships where you feel safe, heard, and free to be your whole self.
My friend, you are not going mad, and you are not alone. Healthy relationships do not leave you questioning your worth or your reality - they make you feel safe, valued, and at peace.
If you would like to talk, you can email me directly at mandy@mandyperkins.co.za.
With care,
Mandy 🤍
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